One Big Rant

This exhibit is closed

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 21:35:24 -0800

Thanks for reading!

If Nature Calls, Take A Message

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 21:05:25 -0800

My coworker M moved to the US from Egypt six months ago, and although his English is very good, he occasionally has a few Balki Bartokomous moments, like the other day when I was supposed to meet him to discuss some work item I needed his help on.

M: "Chris, can we postpone the meeting for a few minutes, I need to make a call."
Me: "Sure, go for it."
M: "It is a... natural call..."
Me: "Um... a natural call?."
M: "I need to use the restroom."

Needless to say, it was an urgent call.

Investment Tip

Sun, 20 May 2007 11:05:43 -0800

Here's a pretty solid investment tip for you: check with me to see when I plan to visit Canada, then buy lots of Canadian dollars. In response to me buying a plane ticket to Toronto for next weekend, the Loonie hit a 30-year high.

Bonnie and I will be in Toronto from May 26 to 29, then in Montreal from May 29 to June 2. I told Bonnie I was a big shot in Canada, so my Canadian readers, plan a ticker tape parade for my arrival or have some Mounties meet us at the airport or something.

No Blood For Oil - Agree or Disagree?

Mon, 14 May 2007 22:48:15 -0800

I've been a Flexcar member for a few years now, and support the idea of shared cars, and have been relatively happy with the service. I was digging through some old emails the other day, and came upon a survey they had sent me when I first joined. I expected questions along the lines of "How many miles do you commute?" or "How often do you take public transportation?". Instead I got a very... pessimistic set of questions to answer. Here's a selection of the most out-there:

Concern for the public good has nothing to do with signing up for a car-sharing service like Flexcar.
People in the US are too greedy and materialistic.
This country is going down the tubes.
Sometimes the only way to fix a severe problem is to let government come in and solve it.
It's important to get your piece of the action before the next guy does.
There are too many gas-guzzling cars on the road.
When big things have to be done, you have to turn to important and powerful figures to get them done.
I'm not a very active person.
The US is hogging the world's natural resources.
There are absolute rights and wrongs, and nobody can tell me different.

I wonder what you would have to answer to get your application denied...

You Know The Cops Just Smoke It Themselves

Sun, 13 May 2007 22:31:17 -0800

A former cop in Michigan was caught using marijuana he had confiscated. How was he caught, you ask? After he and his wife baked the pot into brownies and ate them, he called 911, panicked that he had overdosed and was dying. Also, he tried to blame the whole incident on his wife.

I don't know what's worse, the fact that the police department does not properly educate their officers on the effects of the drug they're tasked to confiscate, or the fact the police department is not pressing charges for this breach of public trust.

Debearded, Part 3

Thu, 03 May 2007 16:18:27 -0800

Happy Loyalty Day, America!

Tue, 01 May 2007 20:55:04 -0800

Has it been a year already? That's right, it's that time where the President hereby proclaims May 1, Loyalty Day!

So show your loyalty by buying a magnetic flag for your back bumper! Be better aquainted with America's place in the world by eschewing a Geneva convention or two! Show your love for the free market by awarding a no-bid contract to former cronies! Demonstrate your support for democracy by voting in an election, or, if you're the President, vetoing a bill!

But most importantly, get out there and SHOP!

Remember, if you don't show your loyalty, the terrorists have won.

Debearded, Part 2

Sun, 29 Apr 2007 11:31:36 -0800

In case you're wondering, yes, I went to work like this.

Four Years

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 23:41:31 -0800

Last week marked my fourth anniversary in the United States. Looking back on last year's anniversary, it looks like nothing has changed. I'm still working on the successor to .NET 2.0, still waiting for my Green Card, and still bringing in pounds of candy (this year the candy only lasted two days).

Speaking of the candy tradition, I noticed a fourth type of person who partakes in another employee's sugary offerings:

The Starer: This person sticks their hand in your bowl, grabs a maw-full and walks away silently, all the while staring you right in the face, as if eye contact were congratulations enough.

What 50 Cents At A Book Sale Got Me

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 22:52:30 -0800

"Devices such as thin films, cryotron, parametron, twistors, and tunnel diodes are just a few [storage devices] which will be used in the computer of the future."

Fundamentals of Digital Computers by Weinstein and Keim, 1965

Incidentally, the book also came with a punch card labeled "Star Trek" hidden inside it.

Debearded, Part 1

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 19:51:01 -0800

Reel Missing

Mon, 09 Apr 2007 07:55:23 -0800

As if a one-legged zombie-fighting Go-Go dancer with a machine gun as a prosthesis wasn't enough reason to see Grindhouse, toss in fake trailers by Rob Zombie, Edgar Wright and Eli Roth, a psychotic Kurt Russel, a five-minute-long single-take Tarantino dialog scene, and the best car chase scene since The Blues Brothers.

Tarantino fans will love the Pulp Fiction references to Big Kahuna Burger and foot massages, women will love the empowered ladies who kick ass, and guys will love all the T and A. Fun for the whole family! (except children and the elderly)

By Senator Chuck Hagel, R-NE

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 10:08:14 -0800

We have misunderstood, misread, misplanned and mismanaged our honorable intentions in Iraq with an arrogant self-delusion reminiscent of Vietnam.

Glad to see the Republicans finally face reality. Although it sounds kind of hollow now that they're no longer in power.

Hop Scotch

Sat, 24 Mar 2007 11:03:23 -0800

Where I will be today: Hop Scotch Spring Beer and Scotch Festival.

Update: The beer selection was mediocre, the food was passable and the woman giving us scotch tasting tips compared scotch to hot wings. Overall, a C+.

Now With 20% More Placenta!

Sat, 17 Mar 2007 14:27:37 -0800

I don't pretend to understand women's hair products. I'm astounded every time I walk though my drugstore's hair product aisle. There are creams to straighten hair, sprays to lighten, conditioners to add "volume", and rows upon rows of small boxes of dye featuring disembodied heads with hair blowing in some unnatural photo studio breeze. But yesterday I saw what was perhaps the weirdest product of all: Henna 'n' Placenta.

Yes folks, it contains real animal placenta , for that right-from-the-salon look. On the one hand, props to them for putting the word Placenta in big bold letters, and not giving it some fruity name like "Nature's Goodness (may contain placenta)". On the other hand, why the cute 'n'? Is it an attempt to soften the blow that you're dousing your head in real animal placenta?