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June 5, 2002

The Old Ball Game

I've been to only three Major League Baseball games in my entire life: a Toronto Blue Jays game at Exhibition Stadium, another Jays game at the Skydome, and last week, a Seattle Mariners game at Safeco Field. It was only last week that I realized America's favorite pastime had passed its prime. To quote Homer Simpson, "I never realized how boring this game is".

Peanuts And Cracker Jacks

Not only were the tickets paid for by my generous employer, but we were each given a $5 gift certificate to be used on food or a drink ($5 doesn't go far in a stadium). They have quite the selection of foodstuffs: Hotdogs, hamburgers, pizza, even Asian stir-fry bowls. I didn't see any Cracker Jacks though.

Since I was at a baseball stadium in the United States, I decided to eat like an American: I ordered a hotdog. Ordering was a challenge. I had no idea the Americans took their hotdogs so seriously. There was the normal hotdog, the Minor League Dog, the Major League Dog, the Veggie Dog, and of course, the Kosher Dog. Since food was on the company, I went for the Major League Dog. It was a little longer than a normal hotdog, but about three times as thick. It had been a long time since I had eaten a hotdog, and as I bit into it, I remembered why. It was disgusting. It was extremely juicy (not a quality I usually like to associate with meat products), and the mushy inside tried to leap out of the confining hotdog skin and stain the front of my shirt. I gobbled it up quickly, not at all relishing the moment (get it? Relish... hot dog. Meh, you suck).

The drinks were even worse. Since the management is afraid of surly fans lobbing glass bottles at each other (or worse yet, onto the field) all beer is served either on tap, or in plastic bottles. Nothing says "class" like watery American beer in clear plastic bottles.

The Wave

I find The Wave to be a perfect example of how boring baseball is. Here are hundreds, nay thousands, of spectators who would rather watch other spectators than watch the game.

Announcer: "And it's a home run!"
Child #1: "Hey Ma, look at them there people standing and sitting a like human tidal wave!"
Child #2: "Oh no! It's coming our way!"
Mother: "Shut up and pay attention! It's almost our turn to stand."

Bottom Of The Ninth

We've all seen it before: it's the bottom of the ninth inning. The visitors are the lead, so people decide that instead of watching the thrilling conclusion, it would be better to pack up and leave to beat traffic. What other sport is abandoned by fans before the possibly climactic finish? Do you ever see soccer rioters pack up and leave when their team is down 3-1? Of course not. They want to stay for the bloodshed. Maybe that's what baseball is missing: full contact. Have the basemen take shots at the runner. Encourage the pitcher to hit the batter. To score, you have to tackle the catcher. We could call it XBall have it run by Vince McMahon... oh wait a minute, they already tried something like that, didn't they?

Mr. Baseball

Maybe it's a little unfair for me to rant so harshly about baseball. After all, baseball was the only bit of tv I watched in Japan that I completely understood. Well, besides reruns of Beverly Hills 90210 and various Learn To Speak English shows with contrived scenarios:

English student: "Can I bring a pet to live in the apartment?"
Japanese Sensei: "Of course. What is it, a cat or small dog?"
English student: "It's a 2m long python."
Japanese Sensei: "P-pp-p-python?!"
Sensei falls over, apparently fainting due to the thought of living with a giant snake. The other students point and laugh as the credits role. Another productive English lesson draws to a close.

But back to baseball: Japanese baseball plays with the same rules as American Major League, but with a third the number of teams and twice the number of errors. It seems the only games televised are games involving the Tokyo Yomuri Giants. And they always win, which I guess is why their games are televised. They have standard american-sounding team names like the Giants, the Tigers and the Hawks, but they also have less ferocious names like the Carps, the Swallows and the Bay Stars.

Well that's my rant about baseball. I know I'm not the biggest sports fan in the world, but I do enjoy watching an exciting hockey playoff, or the occasional basketball game, but somewhere along the way baseball lost it, and I fear it will never get it back. Unless Disney makes a movie about a homerun-hitting monkey. They could call it "Chimp Hitter" and star Emilio Estevez as the team manager.

4 stars!

00:00 | Misc Rambling

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