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September 2, 2006
Chris' Guide To The Washington Primaries
Primary elections are coming to Washington. For those who aren't intimate with the American electoral system, a primary is a vote between party members to decide who will be the candidate for a particular position. That person will then run against the other party's primary winner for the seat in question. I would like to offer this guide out the primary candidates running for United States Senator for the Evergreen State, based on their primary pamphlet profiles.
The Democrats
Michael "Goodspaceguy" Nelson
Nelson is in favour of abolishing war on Earth with world-wide free trade, although is light on details on how this can be achieved. He is also in favour of eradicating homelessness though abolishing the minimum wage and establishing a head tax. Oh, and he wants to spend the state's tax money on space colonization.
Strong point: He has a blog.
Weak point: He's a total nutjob.
Best quote: "Unfortunately, much of our space money has been wasted. It is as if our leaders have not been educated in orbital space colonization."
Michael "The Mover"
The Mover is in favour of putting Saddam Hussein back in control of Iraq, and letting the Iraqi army patrol the borders. He assures us that this will lead to cheap, plentiful oil for America. He is against British Columbia dumping their sewage into the Straits of Juan de Fuca, threatens to wage war with Canada to stop it, and calls the Queen of England, the "Queen of Pigs".
Strong point: He is willing to fight Senator Ted "Series of tubes" Stevens.
Weak point: Has loose grasp on foreign relations, reality.
Best quote: "Listen to the thunder, hear the Governor roar; Mike the Mover's loose again, and knocking at the door!"
Mohammad H. Said
Said claims all Muslim aggression towards America (including the 9/11 attacks) are due to America's support for Israel. He then sums up the last 600 years of Middle Eastern history. Not much of substance besides that.
Strong point: Sure knows his Middle Eastern history, which is more than I can say for most US Senators.
Weak point: Has little to say besides how evil America's support for Israel is.
Best quote: "This is the answer to all this conflict, a One State Solution where all Semitic people (descendants from Patriarch Abraham), Jews and Arabs (Christians, Jews and Muslims) can live in a secular state like us."
Hong Tran
A refugee of the Viet Nam war, Tran claims to be the only Democratic candidate for U.S. Senate calling for the quick withdrawal of troops from Iraq, which is verifiably untrue. In fact, she's not even the only Washington candidate calling for a quick withdrawal. Besides that, she's in favour of universal health care, protecting civil liberties, and is willing to stand up to the Bush administration.
Strong point: Solid Democratic policies.
Weak point: Really should check her facts before claiming to be the "only Democratic candidate calling for <blank>".
Best quote: "I am the only Democratic candidate for U.S. Senate calling for a repeal of The Patriot Act and an end to the trade policies sending good jobs overseas."
Maria Cantwell
Cantwell is the incumbent senator, and calls for a quick withdrawl of troops from Iraq. She has also stood up to the Bush administration on issues like privatizing Social Security, funding for No Child Left Behind, and increasing energy rates.
Strong point: Incument senators enjoy at 90% reelection rate.
Weak point: Talks a lot about what she accomplished, not much detail about what she will do if reelected.
Best quote: "I'm working to preserve our quality of life and stand up for our Northwest values."
The Republicans
Mike McGavick
McGavick longs for the days when the Senate "actually produced results". He is against deficit spending, in favour implementing of the 9/11 Commission's recommendations, and securing borders.
Strong point: Acknowledges Senate partisanship and is willing to work to produce results.
Weak point: Is willing to "make hard choices", but not tell us what these hard choices are.
Best quote: "While the Senate is gridlocked by partisanship, our problems get worse. They have closed their minds and hearts. But it hasn't always been this way."
Brad Klippert
A full-time law enforcement officer, and pilot in the National Guard, Klippert believes in being tough on crime, a strong military, and outlawing gay marriage. Klippert also stands for American self reliance, (not reducing dependence on oil per se, rather dependence on foreign oil), fiscal responsibility, and the Pro-Life stance.
Strong point: Clear on what he believes in.
Weak point: Likens his point of view with those of Dr Martin Luther King. Clearly Klippert has a high opinion of himself.
Best quote: "Like the five brave men on flight 93, join me now as I stand up and step forward to make a positive difference!"
William Edward Chovil
A self-proclaimed expert on government, Chovil is staunchly anti-communism and anti-socialism, and proudly pro-Americanism. His profile asks a lot of questions ("Do you want school vouchers to help your children attend the school of their choice?") while cleverly skirting how he would answer them, prompting me to ask whether he's asking them rhetorically, or sarcastically.
Strong point: Pro-Americanism.
Weak point: Doesn't realize the Cold War is over.
Best quote: "If you believe America can do better with more National and Global Communism and Socialism and less Americanism I can't help you."
Gordon Allen Pross
Pross is a man who likes numbers. He had the uncanny ability to reduce complicated issues like tax reform to analogies involving pennies. This simplification allows him to explain that only one tax is needed to pay for all of America's important programs (healthcare, education, career track and paid vacations), and that tax is: tithing! 10% of everyone's net worth should be the only tax anyone ever pays. Plus, he has found the solution to campaign reform: a rounding error!
Strong point: So patriotic, can't say the word "cent" without prefixing it with the word "Lincoln".
Weak point: Clearly has no idea what he's talking about.
Best quote: "Now Washingtonians' Vote justifiably abolishes censored auctions for public office. Washingtonians' Proudly Resurrecting Sparks of Deity for First Amendment Primaries!"
Warren E. Hanson
Hanson starts off his spiel pretty bleakly. Immigration, both legal and illegal, has caused almost unsolvable problems. He wants stronger borders, citizenship for the US-born only, felonies for illegal workers and English as the national language. He also takes pride in his physical strength and stamina.
Strong point: The issues he wants to tackle are clearly important in the state of Washington.
Weak point: I guess I'm biased, being an immigrant worker, but I'd have to say he certainly borders on xenophobia.
Best quote: "For my years I am in excellent health and quite strong (BP ˜ 118/66 – no addictions)."
B. Barry Massoudi
Massoudi loves America and hates deficits. He believes that "each single issue can be solved easily with American ingenuity and perseverance". Although I appreciate his optimism, I have no idea what that statement means.
Strong point: Damn, he loves America.
Weak point: A little naive in thinking that the world believes "U.S. global leadership, power, and influence are trusted as a force for good".
Best quote: "The United States is the greatest and freest country on earth."
I hope this guide has been helpful, illuminating, and didn't crush your belief in the democratic process too badly.
Comments
An outstanding summary. While Cantwell is sure to win, I hope Goodspaceguy polls well.
Posted by: Bill at September 2, 2006 8:16 PM