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July 31, 2002
Out With The Old...
Tomorrow I switch to the new format for the website. Say goodbye to midnight blue, and hello to olive green. To commemorate the last entry of this layout, I want to pay homage to the Internet's search engines who have directed browsers to my site via a variety of interesting search criteria:
- bow wow like mike power lines (google.com)
- Because, you know, I'm a big fan of underage rappers.
- telephone pole climbing gear (google.yahoo.com)
- I don't usually recommend people perform their own telephone repair. Unless of course they were trying to call their Ma from up there.
- atm card pins (google.de)
- I think I know better than to post my ATM card PIN on my website. The sad thing is, there's probably people out there who don't know better.
- underage pictures (search.fr.msn.ca)
- I used to be #3 on the search results.
- underage japan (google.com)
- I have no idea why people seem to think my website is chock full o' underage pornography. If you are reading this because you did such a search, I'm sorry to disappoint.
- long and big woman photos (google.yahoo.com)
- "Long" women? Was this guy looking for long and big women, or long and big photos of women?
If you think that's weird, you should see the kinds of searches that bring you to Pete's now offline Facial Hair Gallery.
July 30, 2002
Burn That Jacket
On Sunday night I went to my co-worker Shyam's housewarming party. It was fun. He has a nice condo in downtown Seattle and he served some good vegetarian food. He's a also a semi-professional photographer, so there was some serious picture-taking going on.
The next morning, Shyam came to work bringing me my jacket, which I had absentmindedly left at his place. I thanked him, hung my jacket up, then forgot about it until 7:00, when I went home (yes, I put in some long days here at Microsoft). My roommate picked me up and drove me home. Halfway there, I noticed something in my jacket pocket. I didn't remember putting anything in my pockets today, so I reached in and pulled something out.
If curiosity killed the cat, then this just made it sick. Inside my pocket was a photograph (apparently freshly printed from Shyam's digital camera) of another fellow employee kindly rubbing my jacket into his crotch.
Well. Let's just say I won't be wearing that jacket again anytime soon.
By the way, the lighting and composure of that photo were excellent.
July 29, 2002
Company Picnic
On Saturday I went to Microsoft's company picnic. It was held in a remote location at the base of Mount Si. Since there are 50,000 employees at Microsoft, and each employee was allowed to bring their families, the picnic had to be spread across two days. There must have been at least 10,000 people there on Saturday.
There was lots of free food, beer, fun for the kids and fun for the adults. The theme was "America the Beautiful" and all the food stands had stars and stripes painted on them. Over top of each one was a different virtue, presumably that the American people share including (but not limited to): Democracy, Tolerance, Wonder, Generosity, etc. I think the booth labeled Patriotism was serving ribs.
I had a great time. I got a massage, tested my skills on the portable climbing wall and played some Bingo. Oh yes, and consumed a large amount of beer. I also took some great pictures that may one day make it onto this site.
Unfortunately for me I forgot the sunblock and now have a red, tender nape. Sometimes it sucks being white.
July 28, 2002
Oops
While redesigning the new site, I realized that it did not work in Netscape 6 due to a combination of the site meter and a Netscape bug (Mozilla was not affected). Then I realized that this site was broken too. I have since fixed the problem, and humbly apologize to anyone who was trying to view my site using Netscape 6.
July 26, 2002
Sneak Preview
The current layout and colour scheme of One Big Rant has grown tiresome. Time for a fresh new look. Check it out here, and let me know what you think (colours, layout, browser compatibility). I'm only testing with IE 5.5+, Netscape 6+ and Mozilla. Any suggestions are welcome. I'm hoping for an August 1st release.
July 25, 2002
By Jack Handy
If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.
What The Public Wants
I realize that I've been bashing Americans quite a lot lately. I really shouldn't though. I'm a guest in their country (the United States), working for an American company (Microsoft), and making American money (the Greenback). Maybe I should just slow down a little, and give a little respect to the country who, on the whole, has been treating me so well.
Then I checked my page hits for this week. Highest number of viewers yet. So, I guess I'm doing something right. If any of you viewers are truly offended, email me and I promise I'll stop. Until then, I'm giving the public what it wants:
I had a meeting with my school recruiter yesterday about future opportunities with Microsoft. She said something along the lines of "We hire a lot of Canadians from Canadia". At least she immediately realized her mistake and corrected herself. If I didn't correct my office mate, she would still be thinking that July 1st is "Canadian Day".
July 24, 2002
God I Miss That Show
After getting home at 2am, I turned on the TV to the Cartoon Network and watched GI Joe. It was the first time I have watched that show in years. After watching for no more then a minute, I recognized which episode it was. It was the one where Shipwreck falls in love with a genetically engineered fish-woman. I think he ends up marrying her in a later episode, in some farcical aquatic ceremony. I had never realized this before, but Shipwreck talks like a cross between Jack Nicholson and the Sea Captain from the Simpsons.
Canada, Eh?
Have you ever seen Rick Mercer's Talking to Americans? Well, last night at the keg party (thanks to the gracious host Will, or Walt, I don't quite remember his name) a few of were playing the card game Asshole. Apparently the American version has strange rules, one of them being able to ask a trivia question in order to give away your last high card. The question I asked was "What's the capital of Canada?" The three people I was playing with just stared at me. Then they began rattling off every Canadian city they could think of. Vancouver, Montreal, Toronto. One guy insisted the capital of Canada is Ontario. He started to get angry when I informed him that Ontario is not in fact a city at all.
These aren't uneducated street urchins I was playing with either. Two of them go to Brown University (an Ivy League school), and the other one goes to Carnegie Mellon. Keep in mind that Microsoft hires only the best and brightest. After talking to these guys, if I had any MS shares I would have sold them by now.
July 23, 2002
So Very Tired
On Tuesday I beat my arch-nemesis Tom Cruise. Of course, I fell twice trying to clamber up it's steep, rocky face, but I finally made it and hung from the elusive final hold before dropping down 12 feet onto my ass (I was too exhausted to climb down).
Today I played squash with another intern today who beat me 3 out of 3 games. Maybe it was the fact I forgot my socks at home (having worn sandals to work).
Last, but not least, it's 11:10pm here and I'm still at work because my stupid tests keep failing on stupid Chinese Windows. Then, like an angel, my fellow intern Bryant brought me good news: there's a kegger tonight.
And somehow, that makes it all worthwhile.
July 22, 2002
Flocons, Croustilles Et Dentifrice
As some of you well know, Canada has two official languages: English and French. That means all products must have labels printed in both languages. This means one of two things:
- Boxes will have an English side and a French side. For example, one side of a box of cereal is labeled "Corn Flakes" the other side is labeled "Flocons de maïs".
- Both English and French will be crammed onto the same side. For example, a bag of chips is labeled "All-Dressed Potato Chips / Croustilles assaisionnées".
Toothpaste falls under category 2. One side says "Toothpaste / Dentifrice", the other side has the Canadian Dental Association section and directions.
Now I know what you're thinking, "Gee, Chris really doesn't have much to talk about today so he's spouting out about cereal and toothpaste." Well, yes. But I do have a point. Here in the United States, there is only one official language (English). That means products that in Canada have crammed text (ie toothpaste) have more than enough room on their American counterparts. So what do the Americans fill up that extra space with? Well, on this 175 gram tube of Crest, our good friends at Proctor & Gamble decided to fill the white space with this helpful tidbit (in bold capital letters, no less):
FOR BEST RESULTS, SQUEEZE TUBE FROM THE BOTTOM AND FLATTEN AS YOU GO UP
Now I wonder if they printed this message because people were actually having problems getting the toothpaste out. I can imagine some backwards hick wringing the tube with both hands so he could brush Ol' Chomper.
If Americans need instructions to get the paste out of the tube, I wonder how many could remove the cap without help.
00:00 | America | Comments (1)
July 20, 2002
Dinner With A Billionaire
I boarded the Greyhound bus at 5:45 in front of Microsoft Building 16. There were only about 10 of us, and that's including two VPs who were invited. The bus left around 6:00, less than half full, bound for a church parking lot at an undisclosed location. The reason for this was to provide a security checkpoint where we were asked to empty our pockets before undergoing a hand-held metal detector scan. Cameras, backpacks and purses were forbidden, and any questionable items were confiscated by security, to be returned the following day at work. Luckily for me, I thought ahead and left my Swiss Army Knife key chain at home.
From the security checkpoint, we boarded smaller shuttles along with other interns who had arrived from separate parts of campus (there are about 35 buildings on main campus alone). These shuttles took us down to a waterfront neighbourhood and to a large wood and metal gate flanked by security guards. After radioing in the ok, the gate opened we proceeded down a long winding driveway. Dense forest surrounded either side, and we all looked out for the house. We could not see it. I did notice what looked like several skylights on the ground on either side of the driveway. The house was underground? Then we crossed a bridge (this guy has a bridge as part of his driveway!), turned a corner, then we saw the house. Well, some of it. It's really too big to get all in one eyeshot. The reason we couldn't see it from the driveway is because the house it built into the hill. The 1% of the house I could see was made of wood and the parking lot could easily hold two dozen cars.
We disembarked and dreamily wandered down a long flight of solid wood stairs. It must have gone down about 3 levels because I remember passing two washrooms, a garden and a TV room on my way down. And what a TV room. Dexter's Laboratory was playing on a screen that took up much of the wall. I looked around and saw a Monet on a large wall-mounted LCD screen. All the pictures I saw hung up were electronic. But I couldn't stand there and just stare; the interns behind me wanted to get in too.
Ok, maybe I should explain who was there and why. All graduating interns (in other words, interns who would have graduated come next summer) plus selected VPs. Since there were over 700 interns this term (to put things into perspective, Corel had 800 employees when I worked there), the BBQ was spread over 3 days: July 17, 18 and 30. There were between 100 and 150 interns present at the BBQ along with me. Now back to the story.
I walked out into the light of the setting sun (and its reflection in the bay) and onto grass so green and cut so short, I thought I had walked out onto a putting green. I was standing in a courtyard surrounded by bushes and security guards. Round white tables were spread out on the lawn as were buffet and drink tables. There was also a DJ mixing background music. I walked over to a drink table and asked for a Heineken. The woman there was all too happy to give it to me. I walked down a small set of steps towards the bay and found myself on a tiny sandy beach overlooking Seattle. Several motorboats cruised by, undoubtedly full of picture-takers (I'm only guessing since the glare of the water prevented me from getting a better look). On either side of the beach was a dock. Now imagine a bayside dock for a minute: old unsanded wood covered in barnacles, right? Not at Bill's place. Varnished wood with brass knobs. It looked brand new. A dock!
Unable to bear the sun any longer, I went back to the courtyard and met up with some other interns I knew. That's when the lids came off the buffet steam trays. What exotic, possibly endangered animals had been grilled for our dining pleasure? Beef burgers, marinated chicken breasts and veggie patties. I grabbed a plate and helped myself. There were several kinds of salads and every burger topping known to man. I know what you're thinking, "Even guacamole?" Yes, even guacamole. I returned to my seat and began stuffing my face when I noticed a small group of people huddled around the doors to the house. Then I noticed who was in the center of the donut of interns: it was Bill himself! And he was drinking a FRESCA! I like Fresca! I guess I'm not all that different from the founder of a multi-billion dollar software company.
I decided it best to finish my food before approaching Bill. He would be there all night, the food wouldn't. I guess I'm a pragmatist at heart. That, or a glutton.
The intern coordinator then ushered everyone back to their seats and Bill gave a nice speech about how much he likes the internship program, and how he wants us all to be hired. Good for the company, good for the student. Then they brought out dessert, and once again he was mobbed by curious interns. I grabbed some delicious cake and brownies and fruit and mousse. We were joined by a VP and he talked to us about his past experiences with the company. I was more interested in finishing my dessert and then joining the throng of interns, than listening to the VP.
With my second beer in hand, I pushed my way into the donut of Bill fans. I managed to get right beside him. As in mere inches from his 40-billion-dollar head. I could see sweat beads slowly roll down his neck. I know if I breathed too hard he would have felt it. I started to listen to him answer questions about the future of the company, his time at Harvard, how he started the company, etc. I also heard some people ask the most dumb-assed questions I could imagine. Here's a sampling:
"If you could be any kind of cheese, what kind of cheese would you be?"
"What is the dumbest question you've ever been asked?"
"Who do you think is the most influential person in history?"
His answer to this was classic:
"History is a long time. I dunno... Jesus?"
A server broke into the donut to offer Bill a cold fresh Fresca on a silver platter. Damn!
Bill was also asked some good questions about the future of computer interfaces and how he deals with spam. The answer: Microsoft Exchange rules, filters and an assistant. He apparently gets over 3000 a day, but only about 300 reach him. Man, I feel special when I get messages from Cron on my Linux box (CS nerd joke, in case you're not laughing).
The whole time I was in the Donut of Homage, I was desperately trying to think of a question that (a) wasn't dumb, (b) wouldn't bore Bill, and (c) I was actually interested in hearing the answer. By the time I had formulated a question, and was ready to say "Excuse me, Mr. Gates,", and announcement was made over a loudspeaker. It was the last call for the buses. I was presented with a choice: go home by bus, or get thrown out by security. I chose the former.
Walking back to the staircase, I ducked into a lavish washroom. For a souvenir, I grabbed a length of toilet paper (3-ply. This guy knows how to live!). I washed my hands, smelled the soap (lavender), the proceeded up the stairs (the elevator was full. Seriously. He has an elevator in his house.) I got back on the shuttle, and we headed back to the church to be transferred onto buses headed for the office.
All in all, I had a great time. I wish I had gotten my question out, but it was good to hear Bill talk anyway. He handled himself very well considering he was surrounded by punk kids trying to trap him with dumb questions.
By the way, I've ordered 10 cases of Fresca. I'm convinced that's the real secret to his success.
July 19, 2002
Happy Birthday Angela
My girlfriend turns 25 today. Happy Birthday Angela!
July 18, 2002
Dinner With A Billionaire, The Aftermath
Ok, short blog entry. The BBBQ was great. Huge house, good food, nice lawn, private beach, sweaty billionaire. Best of all, I didn't get kicked out, even after stealing a length of toilet paper (3-ply!) as a souvenir. What more could I ask for? I'll get to writing a Misc Rambling about it right after I put in my token 3 hours of work today.
In case my managers are reading this, that was a joke...
... am I fired?
July 17, 2002
By Angela Hammond
And it's soooooo friggin' hot here. I'm sweating like a monkey!!
Yes, I said monkey, don't they sweat?
00:00 | Quotes | Comments (1)
Dinner With Bill
Yes, tonight is the night I go to Bill Gates' home for a BBBQ (the extra B is for Billionaire). Unfortunately security is pretty tight, so I won't be allowed to bring my camera, backpack or purse (assuming I even had a purse that went with these shoes). I will also have to empty my pockets, and possibly undergo a body cavity search. But it will all be worth it to sit with the upper-crust of society and dine on condor-egg omelettes and Komodo Dragon cutlets. A guy I met here at Microsoft thought the animal was called a kimono dragon. I guess that's the Japanese equivalent of the trouser snake.
But I digress. I just hope Bill won't skimp on the food and serve us hot dogs and potato salad.
I'm under the impression there will be a Q&A session, in which I had better ask a real doozy of a question. Maybe if I impress him enough he will immediately hire me on as Senior VP. Or maybe he'll just nod and smile knowingly right before releasing the hounds on my ass.
July 16, 2002
Fat Ass Part 2
Last night I went rock climbing at Vertical World with some coworkers. We decided to dedicate our time to bouldering, that is climbing without ropes (about 5 metres high max). I was trying a course called "Tom Cruise", undoubtedly named after the rock climbing secret agent from the movie Mission Impossible II.
Contrary to popular belief, I am not as well-built as Mr. Cruise. This became painfully clear last night as I was climbing his route. I made it far as the second-last hold. I was clinging to the wall, about 4 metres off the ground. I could see the last hold just out of my reach. I would have to leap for it. The wall was at a 80° angle from the floor, so it would be tricky. I leapt, and grabbed the hold with my right hand. As I brought my left up to join my right and hang in victory, my sweaty fingers slipped and I fell. I landed square on my ass, luckily for me it's well padded (my ass, not the floor). I was ok, except I had pulled something in my hip. I hobbled to the sidelines, and spent the rest of the night wincing and cursing my feeble fingers. Stupid fingers!
July 15, 2002
Billy G Is Not My Lover
Now don't think I worship Bill Gates or think he's the leader of the computer revolution or anything. I just like the feeling of peering in on the life of someone so rich and powerful he could own a small island nation. It's kind of like having my very own Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous outside my window (minus Robin Leach).
A few weeks ago a fellow intern and myself decided to go on a scouting mission in the building next door. It was a Saturday afternoon (don't ask why I was at work on a Saturday), and the building was practically empty. We went exploring, looking for the fabled "second pool table" in that building. We found one table, but as luck would have it, it was in use (by people who came to work for the sole purpose of playing free pool, I might add). So Wan Li and I searched floor by floor, finding nothing. We then decided to check the Forbidden Executive Floor. Pushing the elevator button sent shivers of excitement down my spine. What would we find there? What kind of pool table does Bill Gates use? A solid-gold table with ivory cues? As the elevator doors opened we were immediately greeted by a very large, very muscular security guard.
Security Guard: "Can I help you guys?"
Me: "Um.. we're... uh... just looking for a pool table."
Security Guard: "There's nothing like that on this floor."
Silence as the big man stared us down.
Me: "Well, I guess we should be off then."
I never got to see if the carpet in Bill's office really is pure cashmere, or whether or not he keeps a live caged Oompa-Loompa in his office. I guess some things were never meant for mortal man to know.
July 12, 2002
By Dilbert
I think we're losing our laser-like focus on the customer.
Worst Can Ever
Now you just try and tell me this isn't a confusing label. I mean, who were the ad wizards who came up with this one?
Apples on a can of orange juice... mpt would have a field day with this.
July 10, 2002
Of MacIntoshes
Now some of you may have noticed (oh who the hell am I kidding) the small multi-coloured box at the bottom of the left column of this page. No, it doesn't mean Gay Pride (not that there's anything wrong with that). It's a page counter and it gives me useful facts like 16.67% of today's visitors are using Macintoshes. Hello Mac users! Now since I don't have a Mac, if you Mac users could let me know if there are any problems viewing my site on any Mac browser (Netscape 4 notwithstanding) I would greatly appreciate it. Also, if anyone using Mozilla or Opera notices a problem, I would also appreciate an email, since my current employer generally frowns upon employees using such software at work (alas, I left my home PC in Canada). Working on this site is part of the reason I'm still here at work at 10:15 pm PST. Guessing the other part will be left as an exercise to the reader.
Of Broken Bikes
"Don't worry Chris, I've done this a thousand times." Famous last words. In this case, they are in reference to my fellow intern Bryant's experience putting bicycles into car trunks. He took the front and rear wheels off (quick release) and somehow wedged my bike into the trunk of his rented Alero. When we got back to my place we took the bike pieces out and assembled them. I waved good bye to Bryant as he sped away, then noticed how more tangled the chain looked than normal. Removing the rear wheel revealed a knot in the bike chain. A freakin' knot in the freakin' chain! I wondered how Bryant could have managed this as I shook my fist at his vanishing tail lights.
I angrily phoned him up and forced him to come over so the two of us could spent half and hour up to our elbows in grease trying to untangle this thing. We gave up around 11:30 pm and agreed to take the bike into Redmond Cycle where I had purchased it. The guy at the bike store took one look and asked how we had managed that. Sheepishly, we looked at our shoes. Three minutes later he had fixed it and sent us on our merry way, free of charge.
July 9, 2002
By The Way
The Red Hot Chili Peppers' new album By The Way came out in North America today. I managed to get an advanced copy yesterday and have been listening to it for the past two days. I have mixed feelings about it. I have been a Chili fan since grade 9 (1992) and I have all the albums at home. But this album is definitely missing something... it has an 85% reduction in funk. In fact, it has to be the least funky Chili album I have ever heard, hence my disappointment. I was expecting some crazy slap bass, or some distorted guitar, but instead found acoustic guitar, Spanish riffs and some really laid-back songs. Not bad, just different...
Now to be fair, I felt the same way about Californication at first. But that album has staying power. The verdict is still out as to whether or not I like By The Way, but at this point, it beats One Hot Minute (worst album ever).
For those of you who couldn't care less if the Chili Peppers fell into some deep chasm and were impaled on punji stakes, here's DJ Dav's song of the week.
July 8, 2002
Alone And Thirsty
Ang left for home this morning. Last I heard she made it safe and sound to the airport in Detroit (the city of Brotherly Love) and was waiting for her connecting flight to Toronto. Hopefully she won't have a repeat of last time.
Now that she's gone I can go back to my usual schedule of working and biking home at 9pm. Oh yes, and blogging. Let me start with an apology. I unfairly judged Talking Rain, the additive-free carbonated water. I started off not being able to finish a can of the flavourless stuff, but now I'm a 3 can-a-day junky. I don't know how, or why it happened. TR lacks the sweet sticky-mouth regular pop leaves, and had no caffeine or calories. Apparently, it has also turned me into a walking commercial.
In other non-soda news, I've been invited to Bill Gates' house July 17! Ok, it wasn't a personal invitation, there'll be 100-or-so interns there, but I know he wanted me. Sorry guys, cameras are forbidden, so I won't be adding anything to my Photo Gallery. I still can't believe I'm going to be having dinner with the richest man in the world. Damn!
July 2, 2002
Try Harder
Ang decided to rent a car for the last week she'll be spending out West. She chose to go with Budget rental cars for two reasons:
- They will allow her to drive to Vancouver.
- They will only charge her $10/day underage fee (since she's under 25).
So I drove her to the rental office with on my last day with my rental car. I dropped her off at 9:00am and then drove off to find a gas station, to avoid the ultra-expensive gas charge my rental company charges. When I got back, she told me her car wasn't ready yet. The woman behind the counter insisted Ang's reservation had no mention of a trip to Vancouver and that we needed to wait for a car with BC plates to arrive from the airport. She was a heavyset black woman with frizzy hair and a lazy eye who felt no need to apologize. The car would be there any minute. Fine, we could wait. That was at 9:30. 10:30 rolled around before the car actually arrived. At that point a second woman arrived who handed Ang the bill.
$20/day for underage charge. Ang pointed out that she was quoted only $10/day. The woman was unfazed. She arrogantly informed us that $20/day was the cheapest underage charge in town. Who had quoted us $10 then? Clearly it was some miscreant who did not represent Budget, but was somehow put in charge of answering their phones. I then noticed a sign on the counter that described the penalties for paying with a non-American credit card: 2.5% surcharge + the exchange rate decreed by the all-powerful Bank of Budget. Ang was using her Canadian Visa, so I suggested I pay for it on my American Visa. The woman quickly snapped that only the driver of the car can pay for it. Ang reluctantly signed the bill for over $350. That's US dollars.
I could remain silent no longer.
While the lazy-eyed clerk led us to the car, I very loudly enumerated everything they had done wrong (including making me late for work) and topping off the list with their failure to apologize. The clerk stiffened but said nothing. She didn't even make eye contact. I insisted Ang reconsider. It wasn't too late; we could still get out and extend my car rental. We arrived at the car and the woman held out the key. Neither of us reached for it. Ang told her she had changed her mind, and we didn't want the car. The woman led us back to the counter, onto which she slammed the keys. The second woman looked up.
"They don't want it," Lazy-Eye spat out.
"Why not?" the other woman asked, genuinely confused.
Ang repeated my list to the second woman, and insisted her credit card charge be voided. The woman finally apologized, but it was a hollow apology. She sounded like she had done nothing wrong and that we were just a pair of finicky customers who were wasting her time.
We drove to Avis (my rental company) and got a week-long rental for $200. No hassles, no problems. Avis truly Tries Harder.
July 1, 2002
Oh Canada
Spent the weekend in Vancouver with Angela. Had a great time. Took lots of pictures that may one day end up on this site. We'll have to wait and see.
I sent out an email to the other members of my team wishing them all a happy Canada Day. I also brought back with me 3 bags of ketchup chips and invited my teammates to partake. Apparently it's a Canadian phenomenon that hasn't made it south of the border.
I have a lot to write about today, but no time to do so. What to expect: a rant about Budget rental cars, my trip to Vancouver, and Bill Sightings (the photos Microsoft Security doesn't want you to see).
By Jay Leno
President Bush is up there (in Canada) with 34 other world leaders, but he is going home early because he was voted the weakest link. Goodbye.